As I mentioned in Ever Feel Manipulated?, manipulative people rely on lies. Once you see through them, manipulation can no longer succeed. So let’s look at some of the most popular types of lies; some of them may surprise you.
Lies about consequences: Often people want you to believe that if you don’t jump in and save the day, something awful will happen. But how often is that actually the case? People find their strength and their creativity when faced with challenges. When you rush in to protect them, you take away this opportunity. The truth is that those who appear to need saving are often more resourceful than they seem. And if help is needed, are you really the only one who can provide it?
Lies about ability and responsibility: People may often give you the impression – or even tell you directly – that you’re the only one who can solve their problem. And although that appeals to the ego, it doesn’t make the problem your responsibility. In fact, it doesn’t even mean that solving it for them is a good thing. Perhaps solving someone else’s problem will simply encourage them to rely on you again. And again.
Maybe the problem isn’t really so bad, and the person can tough it out. Sometimes people would actually be far better off if they learned to rely on (and believe in) themselves. Sometimes the best thing you can do for others is to show a little faith in their ability to solve a problem or cope with the consequences. You can always offer to act as a sounding board so that they don’t feel alone.
Finally, there will always be people who do their best to avoid responsibility of any kind. By rescuing them, you allow them to continue this pattern. And you set yourself up for even more misplaced responsibility down the line. Is that what you really want?
Lies about morality: Many of us truly believe that, in order to be a good person, we must put others first. Some believe this consciously, while others are not even aware that this idea rules their lives. This lie is much more subtle (and therefore much more effective) than many others, because it’s our lie. It is already well established within our psyches. All the manipulator needs to do is play on our desire to be good and our belief in this lie:
“I really need your help …”
“I know I can count on you …”
“I just can’t get through this without you …”
This last line plays on implied consequences, our “unique” abilities and the idea that the other’s needs outweigh our own. A triple whammy!
Of course there are times to put others first. But it’s important to consider the trade-off. Don’t give up what means a lot to you in exchange for someone else’s “nice to have” (or outright laziness). If you’re considering a sacrifice, make sure it’s a worthwhile one.
There are many more types of lies –and many manipulation strategies. What makes these strategies so effective is our own lack of awareness. Dealing with manipulation is all about reading between the lines – and recognizing the part of the message that’s out of integrity. It’s a skill that requires knowledge and practice. But in time it becomes natural. And once you’ve mastered it, no one can play those games with you again!
