Have you ever wondered why some people have great boundaries, while others can’t seem to get it right?
Thanks for joining me to talk about how we choose our boundaries – and what we need to remember when we do.
Boundaries are all about how we relate to others, and how we want them to relate to us. But how do we decide what’s OK and what isn’t? Why are one person’s boundaries often so different from another’s?
The answer lies in our values. One person may value loyalty above everything else, while another thinks honesty is the only way to go. Their boundaries will reflect those beliefs.
So why don’t we get it right more often? Why don’t we set the right boundaries almost all the time?
Because several things have to happen, and they’re not all easy. First of all, we need to know ourselves pretty well. We need to be clear on what’s OK and what isn’t – and why.
Most of our values develop when we’re young, before we’re mature enough to question them. And that’s a problem. If you grew up always putting others first, you’ll need to figure out when to look after your own needs. If lying was normal in your family, you’ll have to decide how you feel about it now. These decisions will allow you to set the boundaries that work for you.
Next, we need to be aware of what’s going on in our relationships. When someone crosses a line, we have to notice – and understand which line they crossed. Otherwise, how can we choose a good boundary?
And finally, we need enough courage and self-confidence to actually set those boundaries. If we’re afraid to say “no”, all that understanding goes to waste. We don’t set boundaries at all – and if we do, we don’t enforce them. And that leaves us with even less confidence than before. If you want a good life, you need good boundaries. So get to know yourself. Notice what’s happening in your relationships. And find the courage to speak up when they’re not going the way you’d like.
And if you struggle with setting boundaries why not contact me for a free 20 minute session. No obligations I promise.